laying the foundation

we want so much for our kids, good health, contentment and joy in life, courage, an honest nature, the desire to help those less fortunate, a spiritual fortitude, and those are just somewhere in the middle of the "i want for my kids" list.

but what i wanted last friday for my daughter, Rian, was a competitive drive. for those who know me, that will come as no surprise. she came home thursday night, yammering away about the school's field day which was taking place the next day at the big football (soccer for the Americans) stadium in town. the whole school had been divided into teams and then

individuals signed up for various events. they had been practicing, making up cheers and rousing up team morale. only for a brief moment that night as Rian was talking did i think that

maybe she wasn't feeling up to it. and that came when she was listing the events she was participating in and off handedly said that when she ran the 50 yard dash she would probably be last or next to last as there was one girl slower than her. derrek and i immediately launched into the appropriate parents speech about it doesn't matter who wins but that you try and that you have fun and that you do your best and that no one is a loser, blah blah blah blah, gag me with a spoon. i am all about winning, well usually.

and apparently our speech didn't really do any good because the next morning as rian was eating breakfast before school, she burst into tears and said she didn't want to go to field day. i of course was surprised and asked why? to which she responded because i will be last in everything! there it was, the honest truth laid out. and what as a parent do you do with that? well, i launched into the whole appropriate parents speech again, saying that she had practiced

too hard to not go and her team would want her there and it didn't matter if she came in last as long as she had fun and tried, blah blah blah! but in hindsight i have realized that being the competitive athlete that i was (in my younger years) i never had to experience that feeling of coming in last or being picked last for a team or any of that because i liked sports and i wanted to try hard. that doesn't mean that i didn't lose because i have and it hurts, especially when you are competitive, but i couldn't relate to my daughters sinking feeling of coming in last. and yet i didn't stop and explore that i just gave her the pep talk.

rian did go to field day and when we showed up she was standing in line waiting to compete in the standing long jump, joking around with her friends. but as soon as she saw mom, she

became "my little girl," not wanting to leave my side, needing my help for everything. what is it with moms?! she did her best in that jump and then did quite well in the relay race, but when it came time for the gunnysack race she became a puddle of tears on her first fall, calling out for me. the competitive spirit rose up in me and i tried to get her to get up and keep going, i didn't want her to quit, i wanted her to do her best, i wanted her to win. but looking back i think more than anything i wanted her to look good for me, i wanted other parents to ooh and ahh over my not yet 6 athletic daughter. hindsight is revealing.

after the gunnysack fiasco i managed to pry her off me and send her back to her peers, laughing and clowning around. it dawned on me that maybe my daughter wouldn't be an athlete and i was ok with that but there are lots of things that i do want for her and in order for those to come to fruition i need to do a better job at laying the foundation. possibly instead of launching into an appropriate parent speech actually have a conversation about real feelings and what to do with them.